Salon dilemma....

I'm sitting here vulnerable. I realized something today.

" I am not my hair...." this statement is a strong one,that quite frankly is used by cancer striken women. This quote is a powerful one. And I, at one point thought that I could honestly be one person to use this quote. But I AM my hair.
I am a chubby, some would say fat, middle aged woman who until this day never knew how much my hair has played a part in my sexuality, and my self esteem.
For the last week I've been brave enough to leave my hair in it's natural condition... Curly. I'm not talking cute little curls either I'm talking straight up wow I had no idea your hair was that kinky curly! Ya I said it.., kinky. Why try to play? It is with out a doubt unmanageable curls. I am afterall Hispanic, and not the lucky kind to get the "good" hair.So I have been feeling kinda ugly, down about myself, particularly thinking why would any male find this attractive. Let alone my husband who sees the "behind the scences" action.
So there was a point to all this.. Oh ya. Uhm so I was off today and decided that today I would like to go to the hair salon and have them do all the work of straighting my hair...
1. Get the strength and courage to go
2. Although $15 bucks is a great price do I really want to pay it?
3. Do I feel like having someone touch my hair? All a while they are thinking what the hell?! (i'm convinced that I have the worst hair in the world
4. 3 hrs in the salon?! Really?
And finally.. Do I feel like apologizing for what my friend or enemy mother nature "blessed" me with?

So I say yes.... Yes I do feel like going so I did. So I spend a few hours there getting it conditioned and straightened. After I leave there I feel beautiful like a tv ad for hair conditioner. My step has an extra pep to it. I feel on top of the world. I sit in my car a renewed women. To verify my feeling I pull down the visor and looked in the mirror and tosseled my hair and smile an affirming smile. And think: B-E-A-utiful! Yes now I can go on living..
When my husband saw me he said. "I can't kiss you.." I said why? Then he said "cause you're to beautiful!"
To confirm this, a man at the gas station was starring at me when I was pulling up to the pump while he was going in the gas station store and accidently hit himself with the door. Hehe. Confirmation indeed.
So yes I AM my hair. It's what makes me feel beautiful.









- Posted using Some of my brain cells...

My savior... My saving grace...

There's a person in my life that had been there for me even when I pushed everyone away.this person I've idolized, wanted to be, hated, was jealous of. This person makes me think about how I could be better, and helps me value the person I am becoming. When I was in my teenage years I was a horribly angry, rebelious person. If you said the sky was blue I argued it was red.you tell me I can't do something I damn well did it, be home at 900... Huh well see if I even come home. My parents were convinced that I was possesed. To tell you the truth I was beginning to think that my self. (pssst don't tell my family I admitted to that... Lol)

But this person believed in me. She remembered me when I was " normal" not " possesed". When I see her I see a strong person. She fights to protect her morals, her values, and her faith. She is a good mother. She doesn't see how great she is, you are. When I loose faith, loose my path, loose my way, she is there to pull me back toward the right way. She knows that I will take what she says to heart... It may take a bit cause i'm a stubborn mule.

I remember coming home one day after a trying day, I was almost convinced no one cared enough to see why i was angry.. Hell I didn't know why I was so angry.. No one wanted to talk to me anymore because I was so mean, rude, and inconsiderate. I wanted to change but my pride got in the way 100% of the time. She knew she could push thru or atleast try one more thing.... You know the story... A bookmark with a psalms saying on it. And a book that was some what related to god. Well it made me cry... And that was my breaking point... That day was the start of my new beginning.Thank you.
This person is my sister. My big sister. The person that I idolized, wanted to be, hated, was jealous of.. This person that had so many of the qualities I wish I could have... Maybe the older I get I will. I love you.

Thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for sheltering me when I was scared, thank you for the shoulder I cried on, and thanks for guiding me by example.






- Posted using Some of my brain cells...

Biggest loser

Hi I was thinking his morning, about the biggest loser. I am so consumed by this show! I watch every season! And it almost pushes me to do the work.., but then I give up. I wish that I had a Jillian to be mean and motivating to me. It's hard doing that for yourself. It's hard breaking out of the mold you've created for yourself. I'm he chubby girl that likes to bake, and eat "goodies" I eat so much goodies it's surprising that I don't smell sweet. Lol
I am proud of the former fatties that have lost weight. And are starting their new journey in a world that never accepted them before. They are finally in that cool group of people. Fatties spend a lifetime trying to fit in, fit into clothes, fit into social groups, fit into a life that we know could be better.
Food is an addiction... Food is comforting, nonjudgemental, filling, it fills all your flaws it helps you thru the hard times.. Food is evil. The good food is good too. But there's nothing like a cup of vanilla icecream or a piece of warm chocolate cake or fresh Otis spunkmeyer cookies... Why lie? I'm addicted to these wondrous goodies. And I dont want to be...Anymore. But,


I can hear the food calling right now.... Ugh.

- Posted using Some of my brain cells...

Hi there it's been awhile

Hey it's been awhile since I've blogged anything. My nephew took back his laptop so I've been less than excited to type a blog using the very small keyboard the iPhone has to offer. But here I am typing and cursing the keys! Lol.
This years resolutions:
1. DO NOT CUT MY HAIR
Every summer it's a thousand degrees and I find myself in the heat of the day crazily standing in front of the mirror with barber scissors, and a primal look in my eyes... I go crazy and cut my hair to a short uneven bob. Yes and as I am cutting, my head feels cooler, and immediatly the weight of my hair is gone. Hair is all over the sink,my shirt, the floor... Like a bloody crime scene. Then I come out of the trance.. And realize that when my husband comes home he will ask me, and I quote: " what the hell happened with your hair?..."
So this year I vow not to give in to the hair demon.
2. Keep the house clean
After a long day at work, I do not want to come home to a dirty house, a cluttered home. So I vow to do my part everyday to pick up today, and not leave it for tomorrow... Cause it'll never get done until Saturday when i desperatly want to do nothing.
3. Make no excuses.
I am who I am. I do what I feel is right. And if those choices are wrong then it was on me.

So those are the three resolutions I have for the year 2010. I leave you with a quote I read in a shell gas station marquee: "trying is the first step to failure"



- Posted using Some of my brain cells...

I'm tired

Today was nice. We went to our other house, my husband was in good humor. And my son and nephew played. I watched some good mystery shows, and even caught some if that old show "V" how weird that our generation is taking old shows/ movies ect. From older generations and the younger generations are thinking it's their ideas... Whatever. I wonder if this new show "V" will have any of the old stuff in it? Well it was quiet out in the country, but I'm ready to head back to the city. Until next weekend country, until next weekend.... Goodnight.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Where's my airbag?!

Hi. This blog is being written in the car... So please excuse any weird typing errors.

I feel sometimes that i say things that unintentionally hurt others... I don't mean to, but I'm just a blunt person i wish that everyone would just understand that, my life is getting complicated. I wish it could be easy like it once was.. The older a person gets though the harder it becomes.

"like hitting a brick wall" that was used to describe my actions.and that kinda didn't feel good to hear. I hope I don't sounds like I'm selfish but I am one person trying to play more than one role. I would like to be friends with someone who undertands that I'm complicated. And that I don't always have the answers to what I'm feeling or how I act.

My sister always says that I'm a walking oxymoran... And it's true. I say things that contradict what I mean. And do things that contradict what I say.

My brain is hurting trying to analyze my true feelings about things....I'm tired. That's all I got.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

a random thought.....

Okay so today is a great day :

I am remembering the past. the past has been good. it has molded me into the complex person that i am. but i am not complaining, i love me. i am nice, funny, unconventional, and mysterious.

Some people say that i am a pretty chubby girl. i like to say that i am "pleasantly plump". Now I'm not saying that i wouldn't be happy to be thinner, I'm just saying that nothing is wrong with the way i look. i like the way i am. My sister always says that i am "Queen Latifah" fat not "Roseanne Barr"fat. i don't feel fat when i look in mirror...i feel like a "normal" sized girl. by the way being Queen Latifah fat is a good thing she takes pride in her curves and she is beautiful. Roseanne is a hopeless fat, a fat that just gave up looking nice and taking pride in the way she looks....

I don't know why I feel like I had to type all that but I did.